"And Thus, Castro Did Fall"
So Tuesday morning (August 1st) I was in Chi Town, just chillin', on my way to go see a bunch of rich dead people and extinct bird relatives, when I stop to make a brief pit stop and pay for parking. So I'm standing around for a couple minutes, (trying to convince the hot dog vendor that, no, I don't need a hot dog, I'm a vegetarian, and no, that does not mean I take care of sick turtles) when all of the sudden I notice the headline of the Tribune. "Castro To Step Down" (or something similar, it was two days ago).

I got to admit, I was bummed out. Fidel has always been one of my favorite Communist Dictators. I look at Fidel as sort of the crotchety old grandpa of a whole new generation of revolutionaries. Sure he's old and he complains a lot, but there's just something lovable about that moustache and cigar. He's like a big teddy bear, albeit one with a less than stellar human rights record. He's the iconic Latin American ruler: the military uniform, the beard (and what a great beard it truly is), the pack of smokes. So remember back when we did our John Paully Jr. Tribute? Well, today we're going to do a tribute to the Golden Age of Cuba, and the glorious leader who took a crappy little US resort territory and turned it into a tiny powerhouse that's been pissing off American Presidents ever since.

Fidel Alejandro Castro Ruz
(1926 - ? )(1959-2006)

Fidel was the son of a Spanish immigrant who had been reasonably profitable in the sugar cane industry. Though his father divorced his first wife and married Fidel's mother when Fidel was 15, he failed to formerly recognize him as his son until he was 17. It was at that point that Fidel switched from his mother's maiden name of Ruz and changed his middle name to Alejandro, after Alexander the Great. Clearly, Castro had no problem recognizing his own majesty.

In 1947, Fidel was taken under the wing of would-be Cuban President Eduardo Chibás. Chibás became his mentor, and their relationship was so close that Fidel was present when Chibás shot himself in the stomach during a campaign (long story). Fidel was there when he died at the hospital. In 1948 Fidel went to Bogotá, Colombia, to protest the United States' involvement with Cuba during the ninth Pan-American Union conference. When Columbian Populist leader Jorge Eliecer Gaitán was assassinated at the conference, violence broke out in the streets, and Fidel learned first hand the power of violent revolution. Fidel returned to Havana and opened a small law firm mostly representing the underprivileged in 1950.


(Young Fidel in action, 1947)

In 1952, General Fulgencio Batista overthrew the constitutionally elected Cuban government and took over himself. His usurpation was officially backed by the United States, effectively crushing any hopes that his reign would end quickly. Fidel challenged the constitutionality of Batista's overthrow, but no court would hear him. Fidel went underground, and with his group of followers attacked Batista's stronghold at Moncada. After the disastrous assault, Fidel was arrested and served a prison term of less than two years. After his release he went to Mexico and trained for several years, where he became friends with Che Guevara. Fidel and his men got some weapons while they visited the US, gaining support, and they crept back into Cuba in December of 1956.


(Guerilla Castro A-Go-Go)

On December 31st of 1958, after years of fighting, Fidel's forces captured the capitol city, and Batista fled. By February 16th, 1959, Fidel was sworn in as Prime Minister, beginning his 47-year reign. He's been pissing off Americans ever since.

In case you're wondering whom to blame for Fidel's negative image, I'm going to safely suggest Dwight Eisenhower. Two months after taking power, Fidel did a tour of the United States, in an attempt to build support for his government from the American public. However, Eisenhower was still miffed that Fidel had gotten Batista exiled, so he down right refused to meet with him. After Ike gave him the finger, Fidel decided to give it right back, and joined forces with CCCP leader Nikita Khrushchev. Eisenhower broke off diplomatic relations with Cuba in 1960 after Cuba agreed to buy oil from Russia, and the whole thing spiraled out of control. After months of playing "gotcha, gotcha back", Eisenhower broke off all ties with Cuba in 1961, saying that Fidel had "provoked him once too often."


(Dwight Eisenhower, early American nemesis of Fidel)

Fucking Americans.

And since we're speaking of them, Castro has survived everything Americans can throw at him, more than once misjudging the Cuban people's support of Fidel and their general disdain for American would be conquerors. Castro survived the Bay of Pigs, the missile Crisis, and continues to deal with the Trade Embargo to this day. Although in the early days of the revolution, Castro could give Stalin a run for his money for totalitarianism (which is why his relationship with Che Guevara fell apart), he has mellowed out significantly over the last thirty years. Where once he was a crazy revolutionary who cared about nothing save his nationalistic vision of Cuba, now Fidel Castro is generally seen as a renowned world leader trying to strengthen his tiny nation's ties to the rest of the world. Fidel was good friends Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau, and has grown more and more popular with the world at large since the end of the Cold War. Cuba is the only country to have embassies in all independent Caribbean countries, and Cuba has strong ties with China and most countries in Central and South America. Castro has spent a great deal of time improving his country's ties with Mexico and the European Union. He has advocated more AIDS research, and has sent much aid to Africa to help the situation there. On a visit to South Africa, Nelson Mandela (another Tangled Web salutee) greeted him warmly and gave him the highest civilian award a foreign can receive, the Order of Good Hope.


(Fidel and Nikita always had a very close relationship, much to America's dismay)


(Fidel and PM Trudeau remained good friends until the former Prime Minister's death in 2000)


(Cuba and South Africa remain allies today)

Fidel has no statue made in his honour, nor schools or cities named after him. He has gone to great lengths to keep a Cult of Personality from forming around him, unlike certain other world leaders (communist and capitalist alike).


(I swear, I didn't photoshop this)

To be perfectly honest, the only people who really seem to have a big problem with Fidel Castro are Americans. Something about him removing all of our puppet leaders there, or something. The American government has been obsessed with removing Castro since before Bay of Pigs, with spectacularly poor results. On October 20th, 2004, the ultimate insult to America came, when a small stage floor did what the CIA never could- break Fidel's knee. I mean, when a microphone wire step does more damage than 40 years of trying to overthrow him, it tells you something about the USA.


(Castro's infamous fall)

I may disagree with several of Castro's policies (*cough* Civil Liberties for Homosexuals! Fair treatment of supposed Enemies of State! *cough cough!*), but I can't help but admire his courageous and seemingly unending ability to stick it to the man (meaning the United States, of course). So as he's stepped down, I feel unashamed to admit that I'll miss the old bastard, and I'll never forget that time he stopped by to visit Brent and me during that month in Tokyo.


(okay, fine, just pretend its really Fidel, okay?)

Fidel Castro, you and your occasionally oppressive regime may have killed more people than Jeffery Dahmer, but at least you did it with a style all your own. So to celebrate you, my sister Kiri and I have decided to make the official announcement of our new company,
Communist Enterprises, and our opening line of clothing. (the website’s not very good yet) Check out our big seller, the
"I (Heart) Fidel" T-Shirt!


(If this doesn't work, just click the damn link)

The coffee mugs are coming, and we've got more products than just that (but not much more yet). So go forth and buy our stuff! All proceeds go to the Fidel Castro Humanitarian Organization (sort of) (in a "not really" kind of way). All in all, Fidel Castro gets a bad name in the US press, just because he doesn't like us. And to that affect, I'd like to honour him with this olive branch: Fidel Castro, The Tangled Web salutes you.